I know that’s a lame title, but it’s just the best I can do right now. As I type, I am sitting in bed at 9:39pm, between sheets that just came out of the dryer (which is totally rare), and listening to my husband curse under his breath as he starts on his 2^nd hour of trying to change the battery in one of our smoke detectors. We have THE most frustrating smoke detectors ever made, or as he calls it, ones with a ‘terrible user experience’. We have 3 children, ages 6, 8 and 11, all trying to go to sleep (way too late I might add) and the whole house alarm keeps going off every 15 minutes as he works through it.

I left my phone in my bathroom, but I can hear the texts coming in. I don’t have the energy to get up and go look. When I went to work today, I had 20+ unread texts. It was in the 50’s by the time I left. I am trying SO HARD to not look at it when I get home from 6pm until the kids go to bed…and then I am just too tired to look at it and the problem grows. This isn’t because I have any level of importance…I am just on a lot of group texts. But what I am is a crappy friend. In those 50 something messages are things that are happening in the lives of people I care about, and I don’t have the time or energy to read them. What does that say about me? I read a blog post today while waiting for my daughter at piano practice after work…it struck me because it was all about how friendships for women change as you go through different seasons of life. The author was spot on in that I didn’t really know the kind of friend I wanted in my 20’s, but in my 40’s, I totally know the kind of friend I want and the kind I don’t want. But what I don’t know is how do you maintain that friendship once you have it? I am particularly interested in the answer to this question for women who work full time outside of the home.

I have to think that most working mother’s days look like mine. Up at 5:30 to have coffee, work out, get kids up, go through the backpacks you should have gone through the night before, sign things, sneak art work into the trash, pack lunches, pack snacks, double check brushed teeth, tie shoes, ensure appropriate outer wear, brush hair and give kisses and say goodbye. Now it is 7am. Time for my shower, some food, change the laundry, put the clothes from the dryer at least lying flat in a basket for folding to be done later, make a mental note of the 3 hair and make-up products I am out of, unload the dishwasher without getting water on work clothes, pick up kids breakfast plates, grab a cheese stick for lunch to go with some other random food I hope a co-worker brings, and rush to the car, praying I don’t have to stop for gas because I definitely didn’t have time to unload the dishwasher.

Now it is 8ish. I have a 17 minute car ride to work. I really want to listen to a Rick Warren sermon because he just gets my head in a good place and I feel so harried from the morning already, but I know I need to use this precious time to call friends and family. I have 17 minutes. I make a mental list of who I just haven’t talked to enough in the last week or two. Thankfully my mom is never up this early so I can cross her off the list (I already talk to her 2-3 times a day anyway). I start dialing…I can get in one friend and I talk to them all the way until I am seated at my desk. I really have to go now.

Day starts. Calls and meetings all day long. I never leave for lunch because there are so many calls and follow up emails and voicemails that need to be left and presentations to create. (I am in sales after all.) My phone rings. It’s my sister. Crap. I think she called last night after I went to bed. I am getting on a sales call in 7 minutes. I can’t answer. I will call her back. I get a text from a friend. I never confirmed with her whether we could get together in a few weeks. Crap. I am the worst. I write her immediately but feel like my text is rushed and cold and not heartfelt because I have to dial into this call and I am on video so I can’t be distracted. My husband calls and I send him to voicemail and silence my phone. What seems like minutes later, it is 5pm and I need to leave because I have GOT to stop at the store on the way home. We have no toilet paper OR paper towels and Amazon Prime currently doesn’t have the paper towels that rip into thirds and well, I just can’t handle the inefficiency of using an entire paper towel. I know what I am making for dinner, so at least it’s a quick trip b/c I only need a few things, but I am not home until 6.

I walk into starving children, begging for every snack in the house. I rush and rush and cook as fast as I can. My husband calls to tell me he is on the way home and wants to hear about my day. Are you on crack? I am fending off wild animals, still in my work dress, and chopping onions. I have to go. 45 minutes later, dinner is on the table and the kids push their food around because they half way like it and are no longer starved because I caved to the whining. I tell myself at least they had carrots and hummus.

We do our dinner ritual of “favorite things” from the day, and the clean-up rush starts because we still need to do homework with all 3, and it’s already 7:30 and they really need to be heading to bed but we aren’t even close. Eventually showers (sometimes), pj’s, teeth, prayers, bed. It’s likely 9. I check my phone. Crap. My sister called again and I still haven’t looked at any of my texts.

So here I am, asking the universe…the band of working moms who are out there…how do you make time for your friends? Where do you put it? I genuinely want to know. Do you try to meet friends for lunch during the work day? I think I could carve that out, but it literally has to be one hour, including the drive. And I worry about feeling rushed and disengaged as a result. Is there a difference between how you connect with friends that work outside of the home?

Do you do things during the night during a work week? Do you just not see your kids for the whole day then? Because I wouldn’t be able to come home and go back out again…I would just go straight from work. If you do that, how often do you do it?

Do you make a weekend attempt? This is the hardest part for me. We have two days. Two precious days as a family, and that’s it. The 5 of us love being together and Shawn and I know we are in this amazing season of life where the kids want to be with us too, and we know it will be over so fast so we try to soak it all up. So how do you manage weekends? We typically end up with something on one weekend night, whether it’s a dinner with friends, work event, date night, etc. So of course I really don’t want to leave them during the day because I will be away that night.

And I have been driving around for 8 weeks with 3 bags of online orders to return to Old Navy, Target and Carter’s. I don’t know when I will get to those stores. I have 20 nails that DESPERATELY need professional attention, but do I spend 90 minutes, plus 30 commuting, to do that on a weekend? Away from the kids? I have pants I had altered in August at the tailor and a curtain at the dry cleaner since September. Eventually I will retrieve those things.

This was not a significant struggle when I didn’t work. I stayed home for about 3 years and I could do bible studies, long walks, long lunches, etc. In fact, some of my closest friends today, I made during that time off from working. I want both. I just don’t know how to get there.

I don’t want to be the crappy one-way friend or sister, and I know I am headed down a dangerous path. I mean, Savannah and Hoda seem like they have tons of friends and clearly they are seriously busy working women!

So working women of the universe, HELP A SISTER OUT. How do you do it? When do you do it? Give me all of the details. Maybe I will compile the feedback and create a strategy of ‘How To Be A Working Mom & Not A Loser Friend.’ Or just commiserate with me. We can virtually cheers our wine glasses. Alone from our homes. Without our friends.