Alright working parents, lay it on me. What is the secret to working and not failing at parenthood? And motherhood in particular? I feel like I am in one of those seasons in life where I can’t give anyone or anything 100%, especially my kids!
Lately I feel like I am being eaten alive by my laundry room, totally clueless on who is going to which camp and who is getting picked up when, and God forbid they have to wear a special outfit or take something to camp, because there is no way that will make it onto my radar. And if we didn’t have Amazon Prime Now (which means it’s delivered within a few hours), we may not have milk or toilet paper.
My kids are 5, 7 and 9 (and 19 counting the nephew!) and Shawn and I constantly comment on how much EASIER it is now. No diapers, (well maybe still one pull up night time sleeper in the house :)), no high chairs and bibs and pack n play set ups and take downs. No tantrums. Clearly I am kidding on that one. WHEN DO THEY EVER END?
What’s funny is that I now realize the total irony in thinking things are easy now. In hindsight, the greatest time to work was when they were babies because they didn’t even realize I was gone. I always worked when they were little. Macy was born 7 years after I started at Snagajob and we were in crazy growth mode. She was born on December 1st, by C-section I might add, and I was literally on a sales call on December 6th. There was no time to be wasted. I had the luxury of staying home for 16 weeks, but because she was basically the greatest baby ever birthed, she slept all day, which meant I could work all day.
And her birth created a lot of change for Shawn and his schedule. For years he went to work when it was dark, and came home when it was dark. I will never forget at one point when I was at work on a SATURDAY in the early Snagajob years, and him saying “I don’t know why they even have news at 6pm. I mean, who is home at 6pm to watch the news?” So needless to say, it was a struggle for him to leave the office but he was so in love with our awesome new sidekick that he couldn’t wait to get home. But he always felt like he had to be the first person in the office and the last to leave.
2.5 years later, number 2 came along. This one was NOT the greatest baby ever birthed. I remember holding him at 6 weeks and crying and saying to him, “What do you want?!?” I couldn’t figure this one out…truth is I still can’t. He is awesome, but he needs all of me, all of the time. Again, I was back to work after 14 weeks this time, but still worked through my maternity leave.
The day after my 2nd turned one, we found out I was pregnant with our 3rd. There were tears of joy and tears of total fear. We were in total crazy mode. Crazy growth at Snagajob, which meant I was flying all over the country every other week and we were building a new house. I remember being 38 weeks pregnant and because I was having another C-section, I was having the baby in one week. This company that I had been trying to get for YEARS finally said yes to a meeting. There was no way I was missing it. I got a note from my OBGYN and handed it to the very freaked out flight attendant (I am only 5’4 and my babies all weigh almost 9 pounds – I look like a beast) and went to that meeting. We didn’t get that account by the way and it still bothers me to this day.
My whole point is that we are basically trained workaholics, scarred from our 14 years at a start-up that was truly our first baby. So after being home for a few years and now back at work, my workaholicism is back in full force. Attached to my phone or laptop, or even thinking about work when I’m not. And the thing is, is that it is FUN for me. I LOVE what I am doing, but gosh, am I screwing up my kids?
I walked in the door, still on a conference call, at 6pm the other night and was so grateful that our babysitter had already boiled the water for some spaghetti, because I at least had a head start. I opened the jar of canned sauce (my southern New Jersey parents would just die over the whole thought of canned sauce) and as I was sitting there checking the noodle done-ness and checking my phone simultaneously, here was my following thought pattern. “When was the last time the kids had vegetables? Tomato sauce counts right? Last night I remember looking at their plates and they had chicken and rice. Damn, that was a totally colorless plate. I am glad no one was here to see that. But they didn’t like the vegetables I made for Shawn and I, and I am TIRED of making 14 side dishes to please everyone. But gosh, I probably should have made one they liked instead of us. I am the worst mom ever. They aren’t going to grow and they could develop some weird blood disorder because they don’t have enough nutrients and I wonder if their cord blood I banked will save their life.”
HELP ME PEOPLE! Working moms, where do you find balance? What are your tricks and strategies because there just HAS to be some. Right now, I am just thanking God for the amazing child care we have, and for the fact that they all ate edamame last night. At least it was green.
Feeling your pain with our 4 – one trick is maybe it isn’t dinner that gets the fam attention…perhaps it is a big family breakfast? For the fruits…lunch time snacks, always have apples, grapes, bananas, oranges lying around and then dinner…oh dinner…crock pot awesomeness and just pick a side veggie…one…if they eat it – Awesome! Kids can survive on anything and you are a great working mom…I LOVE my job too and as a working dad, I feel the exact same as the oldest has only one more year left and #2 is only 2 years later…have we done right? Time will tell, but if they are happy, healthy and reasonably well-adjusted to this crazy screwed up world, then the answer is yes!
I love you Marky Mark! You are a ROCKSTAR dad!
Love you Tennille! You were such a role model for me when I started at Snagajob. My goal – be as successful as Tennille! You’re doing an awesome job at life. Not just work and motherhood.
I only had our two older girls for the first few years at Snagajob, and then our surprise baby boy came along 2 years ago. To say some tears were shed is a complete understatement. Snagajob blessed me with the opportunity to work from home with him for 7 months. In sales, it’s hard to take maternity leave. I had a large deal coming in the day I gave birth. I remember still being in the birthing room, just an hour or so after giving birth, and having a conference call. Somehow you just make it work. It’s never perfect, as none of us are… and no one has it figured out for everyone. So just go about it the way that works best for you and your family.
Little secret…. I got back from traveling yesterday, and my husband is also on a business trip, so all 3 kids were delved out to different friends and family members… I was so tired that we ate donuts for dinner and went to sleep. Sometimes you just do what you gotta do, and try to make up for one bad meal with the next one. Keep on truckin’ girl! You’re doing great!
You are so sweet to leave this remark Biz! 🙂 Yes, some nights just say yes to donuts! I literally think tonight my kids are eating mac and cheese. And that just has to be okay for tonight because I don’t have energy for anything else!
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your kids love you and you are going great. They have parents who care enough to spend time with them and worry about their future well-being.
Some tricks I use to help me spend more quality family time:
1) schedule a family fun night where everyone stays in to eat dinner and watch a movie. No phones or ipads or anything
2) when you make food, make twice as much so you now have dinner for a second night and no stress to figure out a second meal. And keep it simple. Baked chicken, salad, steamed or roasted veggie. And gets the kids to help. They can make a salad or a side of fruit. The second night can be the leftover chicken shredded or sliced on taco’s or tortilla’s.
3) let the older kids do their own laundry. Type up instructions and tape them to the machine.
4) let it go. So the laundry doesn’t get done. Big deal. I have a month worth waiting to be put away, but instead I snuggled with my 5 yr old for a few hour this morning watching nick jr.
Also, check out Katherine Wintsch’s blog. Lots of great advice about work life balance from someone who worked an 80 hr week for a long time.
Bottom line, forgive yourself. You are doing great and your kids know they are loved.
Thank you so much for the awesome suggestions! I know Katherine – I need to check out her blog!
I’m reading this and internally screaming this is me! I’m not the only one!
Thanks for sharing this, I can relate on all levels. Mine are 3.5 and 2 right now and it’s a struggle to keep the mom guilt at bay. I give myself mandatory family time every day before and after work. Even if it’s just for 10 minutes in the a.m. for a quick snuggle sess or 20 minutes in the evening with no phone or email.
I also try to remind myself daily that my moments with them are fleeting because they grow and change so fast, not nearly as fast as my job.
Hope that helps, you’re both doing a great job!
You’re awesome and the coolest mom! You’re kids are going to remember those crazy fun dance party’s in the living room and how their parents took them tubing and on so many fun adventures. We’re all screwing it up so don’t be too hard on yourself! 😘xo
As always our spirits are kindred as mothers and workaholics-why can’t we have it all? Anyways, yes, I too wonder if my kids get the 4-5 veggies/fruits servings required per day…and they usually do NOT. I constantly text myself or have a notebook bedside to remind myself of work strategies etc. I have found myself remembering to “Be Still”…or “Do not be afraid”…so the spiritual side of my soul can rise and I then do focus on…the snuggles/tickle moments at night, watching the girls faces light up as they share a silly story OR the usual “Did you know…” comments…and then I realize and pat myself on the back…yup…you are doing something SO right…even if all they had for fruit today was a frozen cherry popsicle. We ARE doing something right and wrong but it’s all the chaotic moments in between that we can grasp and LIVE happy in! xxoo PS-I love your blog!